Oops
Buckle up yall we boutta get personal. This week's question by Tiffany asked whether we have ever accidentally shared a "hidden transcript" in a public sphere, or has anything that was not intended to be heard by others let slip our mouths.
My reply to this can be encapsulated in one word: college.
UGH it is giving me all of those negative feelings as I am thinking about college. It was the worst of damn times, but also some of the best of times. Senior spring of college was also one of the best times in my life because I had direction, purpose, friends I trusted, and stopped putting my damn foot in my mouth. Before that, I was a mess. I have a lot of shame tied up in college, but I am gonna use this as an exercise in expressing some of the things that happened there in a healthy way. Making public a transcript using tools of moderation and self-control.
Here's the thing, I have always lived openly, outwardly, extrovertedly and loudly. I fill whatever space I am in, and close encounters with death and despair have only made me want to fill more of the world and let the world fill me. In short, I wanna always feel alive and living. The problem with that, however, is that in college I didn't know how to control it. I had no self-reflection or the ability to moderate any sort of feelings. So any thought I had would come from my mouth and I would try to share things that one should not share. I guess, in a way, it was a sort of buffooning, where I left all of my thoughts and foibles open for a collective lampooning. I talked too much about women, I talked too much about other people, I drank too much which of course opened up the well of ridiculousness to waterfall from my mouth.
Hindsight is always accompanied by a little shame, and as Sonya says a lot of the time we torture ourselves about the past and it isnt being honest and fair. I am painting a picture that is perhaps more negative than what was truthfully experienced. I made many friends there, and have retained most of them. I was a leader in my community and always tried to live with love. But there were days my mouth got me in trouble and for the which I feel guilt still. Hopefully engaging in honest reflection means I am a good person.
I'm thinking specifically of an incident my sophomore year. I was a resident assistant, which at Carleton meant community leader, support staff, live in guide to younger students, etc. I remember one night in the winter I saw one of my freshman residents, a young woman from California with a man about whom I had heard many the nefarious tale. I don't know what was the case, but I thought he was creepin. They were in a public cafe so I didn't think she was in immediate danger, so I walked up to my floor and was muttering aloud to myself about what I thought I should do. Then my big dumb ass asked her roommate and friends, who were sitting in the hallway, whether she was dating someone in my year, explaining that I had seen her with someone I didn't trust. They said something or other and I said this girls name one more time in response, right as she walked up the stairs and onto our floor. She heard me, turned bright red, and ran into her room. She basically refused to speak to me the rest of my three years at Carleton. Trust broken.
I dunno, nobody gets through life without a little embarrassment. Nobody gets through life without learning hard lessons. These, ultimately, make us wise. But I will always remember that experience and that girl. Performing (ha, see I related it back to theater) my RA functions was the beginning of my journey as a teacher, and I rehearse extra hard every day to make sure I never alienate someone for whom I am responsible ever again.
My reply to this can be encapsulated in one word: college.
UGH it is giving me all of those negative feelings as I am thinking about college. It was the worst of damn times, but also some of the best of times. Senior spring of college was also one of the best times in my life because I had direction, purpose, friends I trusted, and stopped putting my damn foot in my mouth. Before that, I was a mess. I have a lot of shame tied up in college, but I am gonna use this as an exercise in expressing some of the things that happened there in a healthy way. Making public a transcript using tools of moderation and self-control.
Here's the thing, I have always lived openly, outwardly, extrovertedly and loudly. I fill whatever space I am in, and close encounters with death and despair have only made me want to fill more of the world and let the world fill me. In short, I wanna always feel alive and living. The problem with that, however, is that in college I didn't know how to control it. I had no self-reflection or the ability to moderate any sort of feelings. So any thought I had would come from my mouth and I would try to share things that one should not share. I guess, in a way, it was a sort of buffooning, where I left all of my thoughts and foibles open for a collective lampooning. I talked too much about women, I talked too much about other people, I drank too much which of course opened up the well of ridiculousness to waterfall from my mouth.
Hindsight is always accompanied by a little shame, and as Sonya says a lot of the time we torture ourselves about the past and it isnt being honest and fair. I am painting a picture that is perhaps more negative than what was truthfully experienced. I made many friends there, and have retained most of them. I was a leader in my community and always tried to live with love. But there were days my mouth got me in trouble and for the which I feel guilt still. Hopefully engaging in honest reflection means I am a good person.
I'm thinking specifically of an incident my sophomore year. I was a resident assistant, which at Carleton meant community leader, support staff, live in guide to younger students, etc. I remember one night in the winter I saw one of my freshman residents, a young woman from California with a man about whom I had heard many the nefarious tale. I don't know what was the case, but I thought he was creepin. They were in a public cafe so I didn't think she was in immediate danger, so I walked up to my floor and was muttering aloud to myself about what I thought I should do. Then my big dumb ass asked her roommate and friends, who were sitting in the hallway, whether she was dating someone in my year, explaining that I had seen her with someone I didn't trust. They said something or other and I said this girls name one more time in response, right as she walked up the stairs and onto our floor. She heard me, turned bright red, and ran into her room. She basically refused to speak to me the rest of my three years at Carleton. Trust broken.
I dunno, nobody gets through life without a little embarrassment. Nobody gets through life without learning hard lessons. These, ultimately, make us wise. But I will always remember that experience and that girl. Performing (ha, see I related it back to theater) my RA functions was the beginning of my journey as a teacher, and I rehearse extra hard every day to make sure I never alienate someone for whom I am responsible ever again.
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